Learning to be Small

New Orleans was a dream for me for a long time. I had visions of what it would be like, of all the great and wonderful things I would do, of the huge difference I would make. And now I am here. Going through the motions of reaching something I have dreamed of for so long and making it into a reality. This has included major excitement, minor disappointments, and a variety of fear, joy, and hope. I am in the city I have always dreamed of, doing the work I have always dreamed of – service. Using my life to bless others. Daily I am learning just how hard it can be – serving a broken world breaks the heart and wearies the soul. Compassion, in my opinion, can make it hard to breathe.

Courtney and I have only been in New Orleans for three weeks. We have a lot to see and a lot to learn and a lot to do, and, with the advent of Hurricane Harvey, more is on the horizon. Frankly, I am kind of terrified. I am only one person and I can't do much in the grand scheme of things. When I first found out about the Lutheran Young Adult Corps I dreamed a thousand heroic dreams, but now I'm here and I feel very small. I think in some ways I can only think about the big, huge things looming in the distance, but I know that this year is going to be about the small things.

Last week was a long week – we ripped up tiles for two days, cleaned and cleaned, celebrated my birthday (which was wonderful! But tiring for this exhausted introvert), made what felt like three million phone calls, and spent a day babysitting young children. It ended on Sunday, when I snapped at Courtney, apologized, and spent three hours by myself, trying to figure out why I was so tired and grumpy (turns out sleep is important for those who suffer from a grumpy disposition).

Courtney and I ate lunch together that day and we talked a lot about how we were feeling about the world, and, more specifically, New Orleans and Houston. While we were talking we both came to the conclusion that this year is going to be hard for us. We don't really know what's in store, we work on a day-to-day basis, and we could be uprooted from this place that we've barely settled in any day now. It has been rough for me – a girl from the East Coast who likes to know exactly what is going on at exactly what time. I just moved to the Big Easy, talk about culture shock. Anyways, back to the main point. Despite the challenges of the upcoming year, I also know it is going to be a year of exponential growth.

Already I am learning to refocus my mind and my heart on what matters, already I am learning to rest in the knowledge that God has me, even when I don't even know if I have me.

I have had a lot of anxiety this past month, but I don't want that to be the only thing I take away from August. I kept trying to wrap my head around the whole world, when all I needed to be doing was settling into this new place. I kept trying to figure out how to fix every problem, when I needed to be praying for guidance for my problems and for mercy on my neighbors. I focused on things too big or too far away, when there's enough going on right where I am. I need to remind myself of that wonderful Corrie ten Boom quote, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its struggles; it empties today of its strength.” I have taken too much time emptying myself of the strength I have trying to find answers to things I don't need to - or simply cannot - solve.

As I have been reflecting on this August I have, once again, come to the conclusion that I need to focus on God, love others as best as I am able, and find joy in the small things. I know this year will be trying and wonderful, and that I will make differences, some may be big, some will be small, but the size does not matter. The reason (oh, that I should love as He first loved us) does.

In light of trying to focus on joys, here are some small joys from August:

• this little shell

• this fantastic group of people (okay, not a small joy, an incredibly large joy

• these beignets

• the grand opening of a beautiful coffee shop with an even more beautiful mission (more on that later)

• making lattes for these beauties

• making cake for the New Orleans East and the Lower 9th Ward Sr. Centers

• working with this dork

• spending my birthday with these friends

• making bagels once again.